My method of disciplining you has come into question a couple of times, and that made me think that now might be a good time to explain it all to you, so later you might understand my reasons for raising you (and Lukasz) as I am. And maybe this will help you in some way when you have children of your own.
The essence of it all comes from The Way to Happiness, a book I read and studied when I was younger. There are two precepts I follow in particular with you: Treat others as you would like to be treated and Set a good example. Simple, really. Sure you are a child, but as much as I can I treat you as an equal. You are a person just like me, after all. And I do believe that all children are born brilliant. You continually amaze us with the speed in which you pick up new skills and new words, and how you react to certain situations using something you noticed or learned at a previous time. I try to let you experience life and everything in it with as little obstruction as possible. If there is something you want to touch that you shouldn't play with, such as one of my figurines, I let you hold it and tell you to be gentle. Once you are done looking at it, i'll put it back on it's shelf and tell you that it belongs to Mommy. This worked for my mom, and so far it is working well for me, too. Rather than telling you things are off-limits and saying NO! all the time, letting you look and touch seems to diminish your curiosity and you move on to more appropriate things, like your toys.
This isn't to say that there aren't times I have to discipline you. You started throwing dirt at the park and this was something I don't think you should do under any circumstances. It could get in people's eyes, and it makes everyone around you dirty. This was something I said "No" to, and also explained why, and then told you that dirt stays on the ground, or we can put it in your pail. You tried throwing it a few more times, but I repeated myself and then showed you how we can put dirt in your pail to make a castle. You haven't thrown it since. Now every time we go to the sandbox at the park you want me to help you build sand castles.
You also went through a phase of hitting me. I could tell by your face that you were curious to see what sort of reaction this would bring, and each time it was the same. I said "NO. Don't hit Mommy." Then I told you it hurts me. You've stopped hitting, and now when I hurt myself and say "ouch!" you come running and asked me what happened. I tell you how I hurt myself, and you often try to make it feel better. Lately, you blow on my owie and if I ask, you'll give it a kiss.
Speaking of hitting, your Tatus and I both agree that we will never hit or spank either of you as a disciplinary measure. I think that getting you to understand why what you did is wrong, and then fix it or apologize for it or somehow make up for what you did is a much better, more productive approach. When you spill something, I get you to help me clean it up. If you make a mess of folded laundry, I get you to help me put it all back on the couch or the bed. If you treat Tatus or I in a way that is not nice, I tell you it wasn't nice and get you to apologize and give us a hug & kiss.
This all has worked really well for you so far. There are times of course when you have a little spaz or tantrum, mainly when I turn the TV off after a certain amount of time (usually 1/2 hour) has passed. But distraction works wonders for you in these situations. I always try to have a plan of what we are going to do next, so the TV quickly leaves your mind and you follow me to the next activity or outing. Just now, for example, I turned the TV off and you asked "again?". I picked up one of your dolls and said, "oh, it looks like Madeline is getting sleepy" and rocked her a bit. I asked you if you wanted to put her down for a nap, and you held out your arms for me to give Madeline to you. Then you carried her down the hall to your bed.
Tatus calls this my "low-conflict" method. :) And I guess it's true. I am proud of the days when you do not get upset at all, when you treat Lukasz and I well, and we all have fun.
When you ask for help, I help you. If I'm in the middle of washing dishes or changing Lukasz at the moment I tell you I'll help in a minute and that I'm just doing something else. Then I always go help you with what ever it is. I've seen this come full circle more and more lately. You don't like the vacuum, but as soon as I'm done, you come running saying "help me! help me! cord" which means you want to help me wrap the cord up. The same thing happens when I'm doing the laundry. You love to sit on the dryer and help me throw clothes into the washing machine.
All in all, each day presents new situations, new challenges and new scenarios. Every day is a day of learning for me as I try to keep up with how much you are learning and trying to do and consistently stretching every limit you can. But I love you all the more for it, and I hope that my love, understanding, explanations and "low-conflict" discipline will guide you more effectively than a finger being shook in your face, or a spank across the bum would.
Potty training has been difficult, to say the least. I tried to ease you into it by putting you in cloth diapers so you'd feel when you were wet. It seemed to have no effect on you. You'd sit in a wet diaper until it soaked through the liner with no complaints. Then I tried letting you run around with no diaper on, watching you carefully and hoping that you'd complain when your pee ran down your leg. At first, I thought you'd held your pee until you couldn't take it anymore, at which time you peed while standing right next to me. I couldn't get you to your potty fast enough. Later that evening I discovered you had peed elsewhere, twice. Both times on your bed. I tried asking you every 10 minutes if you need to pee, but the answer was always "no". So within the last couple of days, I have started sitting you down on your potty when you wake up from your nap and before and after we go out. I'm going to start doing it more frequently than that in the coming week. So far this is working pretty well. When we first started trying to get you to just sit on your potty, you refused outright. If we sat you down on it regardless, you cried and flexed and wiggled and ran as soon as you could. I didn't want to force you because I figured if the potty became something you hated because we made you sit on it, potty training would take even longer. So I went the roundabout route with the above-mention tactics. Then, someone mentioned to me that giving you something while you sit on your potty can work wonders for getting you to stay put. So I bring small toys and books into the bathroom when I sit you on the potty, and I read you books and play with the toys with you while you sit there. This is working great so far. On Friday (the 5th) you peed on your potty twice. Yesterday you peed once, and so far today you've peed once (although I'm wondering if that was because you asked me to tickle you and I obliged so you were laughing pretty hard). :)
One thing I'm still worried about is that you haven't figured out yet how to pull your pants and diaper down. I'm going to have to practice that a lot with you in the coming days.
This has been a very busy month of changes for you. Not only have we started potty-training, but we are also trying to break you of your thumb-sucking habit. I read up on this and apparently it's acceptable until a child reaches the age of 3-5. For a young child, thumb-sucking is often a comfort. I certainly see that in you. And I understand completely--I still have my baby blanket and there are times I bring it out and knead it between my fingers for comfort as I did when I was a child.
Our reasons for getting you to stop now are two-fold. One, you started sucking your thumb so vigorously that the skin started cracking, peeling and bleeding. Two, we've noticed that your teeth are getting pushed outward by your thumb. You have an adorable, slightly buck-toothed grin that I love... but I'm thinking long-term and hoping you won't have to have a lot of work done to fix your bite.
So first I bought a soother that was supposedly appropriate for your age, although it is bigger than your thumb so I didn't know how you'd take to it. I think it was a novelty for you at first, having a soother just like Lukasz (you love to give him his soother when he loses it). But when it came time to sleep, the soother was nothing compared to your thumb. Then we noticed how cracked the skin was getting on your thumb, so I put a "sticker" (band-aid) on it along with some vitamin E to help it heal. You didn't seem too upset by this, you love stickers after all. But you did stop using your left hand almost entirely and always kept your thumb well out of the way of whatever you were doing. I've seen that you favour your left hand when eating and drawing and playing, so I hoped tht you'd soon see you could still use your hand even with a band-aid on it.
It's been a couple of weeks now that we've been putting "stickers" on your thumb, and while sometimes you do get upset when we are putting it on (and my heart goes out to you each time... I know how hard it must be to watch a thing of such comfort get taken away), you are fine afterwards and proudly show us your "sticker". And since I use the Elastoplast brand (super-sticky) you haven't been trying too much to peel the band-aids off. You did get one off once, but that's because it was peeling and needed to be changed.
I have to say that even with the daily challenges, you are SO much fun to be with. Your level of understanding increases each day, as does your vocabulary, and not a day goes by that Tatus and I don't marvel at how clever you are, and laugh at all the ways you surprised us that day.The skills you suddenly show us just blow us away some days. For example, we were at the park a few weeks ago, and you were playing on the slide and then you grabbed the sides of it and just walked all the way up it on your own without our help. I think your Tatus' jaw hit the floor when he saw you do that! And you've started playing catch with us, too! You have such an arm on you already--maybe you'll play softball like I used to!
We're really really lucky to have you for a daughter, and not a day goes by that I don't check on you after you've gone to bed, brushing your hair back from your forehead, pulling the sheet up that you've kicked off, and just looking, marvelling at what a beautiful talented daugher I have. The love I have for you is so strong it brings me to tears sometimes.
And no matter how tough a day we've had, when I watch you sleep, part of me is anxious for it to be the next day again so I can hear you call me, and run to me and we can begin a new day of learning, adventures and fun.Love,
Mommy
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